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    April 05

    moved by a beautiful essay

    I can't help shedding tears when I first read it, which tells so much about what true love is alike in ordinary lives.
     

    Hanover Square

     

    Can it really be sixty-two years ago that I first saw you?

    It is truly a lifetime, I know. But as I gaze into your eyes now, it seems like only yesterday that I first saw you, in that small cafe in Hanover Square.

    From the moment I saw you smile, as you opened the door for that young mother and her newborn baby. I knew. I knew that I wanted to share the rest of my life with you.

    I still think of how foolish I must have looked, as I gazed at you, that first time. I remember watching you intently, as you took off your hat and loosely shook your short dark hair with your fingers. I felt myself becoming immersed in your every detail, as you placed your hat on the table and cupped your hands around the hot cup of tea, gently blowing the steam away with your pouted lips.

    From that moment, everything seemed to make perfect sense to me. The people in the cafe and the busy street outside all disappeared into a hazy blur. All I could see was you.

    All through my life I have relived that very first day. Many, many times I have sat and thought about that the first day, and how for a few fleeting moments I am there, feeling again what is like to know true love for the very first time. It pleases me that I can still have those feelings now after all those years, and I know I will always have them to comfort me.

    Not even as I shook and trembled uncontrollably in the trenches, did I forget your face. I would sit huddled into the wet mud, terrified, as the hails of bullets and mortars crashed down around me. I would clutch my rifle tightly to my heart, and think again of that very first day we met. I would cry out in fear, as the noise of war beat down around me. But, as I thought of you and saw you smiling back at me, everything around me would be become silent, and I would be with you again for a few precious moments, far from the death and destruction. It would not be until I opened my eyes once again, that I would see and hear the carnage of the war around me.

    I cannot tell you how strong my love for you was back then, when I returned to you on leave in the September, feeling battered, bruised and fragile. We held each other so tight I thought we would burst. I asked you to marry me the very same day and I whooped with joy when you looked deep into my eyes and said "yes" to being my bride.

    I'm looking at our wedding photo now, the one on our dressing table, next to your jewellery box. I think of how young and innocent we were back then. I remember being on the church steps grinning like a Cheshire cat, when you said how dashing and handsome I looked in my uniform. The photo is old and faded now, but when I look at it, I only see the bright vibrant colors of our youth. I can still remember every detail of the pretty wedding dress your mother made for you, with its fine delicate lace and pretty pearls. If I concentrate hard enough, I can smell the sweetness of your wedding bouquet as you held it so proudly for everyone to see.

    I remember being so over enjoyed, when a year later, you gently held my hand to your waist and whispered in my ear that we were going to be a family. I know both our children love you dearly; they are outside the door now, waiting.

    Do you remember how I panicked like a mad man when Jonathon was born? I can still picture you laughing and smiling at me now, as I clumsily held him for the very first time in my arms. I watched as your laughter faded into tears, as I stared at him and cried my own tears of joy.

    Sarah and Tom arrived this morning with little Tessie. Can you remember how we both hugged each other tightly when we saw our tiny granddaughter for the first time? I can't believe she will be eight next month. I am trying not to cry, my love, as I tell you how beautiful she looks today in her pretty dress and red shiny shoes, she reminds me so much of you that first day we met. She has her hair cut short now, just like yours was all those years ago. When I met her at the door her smile wrapped around me like a warm glove, just like yours used to do, my darling.

    I know you are tired, my dear, and I must let you go. But I love you so much and it hurts to do so.

    As we grew old together, I would tease you that you had not changed since we first met. But it is true, my darling. I do not see the wrinkles and gray hair that other people see. When I look at you now, I only see your sweet tender lips and youthful sparkling eyes as we sat and had out first picnic next to that small stream, and chased each other around that big old oak tree. I remember wishing those first few days together would last forever. Do you remember how exciting and wonderful those days were?

    I must go now, my darling. Our children are waiting outside. They want to say goodbye to you.

    I wipe the tears away from my eyes and bend my frail old legs down to the floor, so that I can kneel beside you. I lean close to you and take hold of your hand and kiss your tender lips for the very last time.

    Sleep peacefully my dear.

    I am sad that you had to leave me, but please don't worry. I am content, knowing I will be with you soon. I am too old and too empty now to live much longer without you.

    I know it won't be long before we meet again in that small cafe in Hanover Square.      Goodbye, my darling wife.

    September 05

    (转载)我问佛

    我问佛:为何不给所有女子闭月羞花容颜?
    佛曰:那只是昙花一现,用来蒙蔽世俗的眼,没有什么美可以抵过一颗纯净仁爱的心,我把它赐给每一个女子,可有人让它蒙了灰。

    我问佛:世间为何有那么多遗憾?
    佛曰:这是一个婆娑世界,婆娑即遗憾,没有遗憾,给你再多幸福也不会体会快乐。

    我问佛:如何让人们的心不再感到孤单?
    佛曰:每一颗心生来就是孤单而残缺的,多数人带着这种残缺度过一生,只因与能使它圆满的另一半相遇时,不是疏忽错过就是已失去拥有它的资格。

    我问佛:如果遇到了可以爱的人,却又怕不能把握怎么办?
    佛曰:留人间多少爱,迎浮世千重变,和有情人,做快乐事,别问是劫是缘。

    我问佛:如何才能如你般睿智?
    佛曰:佛是过来人,人是未来佛,我也曾如你般天真。
    August 02

    一个小故事

          一把坚实的大锁挂在大门上,一根铁杆费了九牛二虎之力,还是无法将它撬开。钥匙来了,他瘦小的身子钻进锁孔,只轻轻一转,大锁就“啪”地一声打开了。
          铁杆奇怪地问:“为什麽我费了那麽大力气也打不开,而你却轻而易举地就把它打开了呢?”
          钥匙说:“因为我最了解他的心。”
    (每个人的心,都像上了锁的大门,任你再粗的铁棒也撬不开。唯有关怀,才能把自己变成一只细腻的钥匙,进入别人的心中,了解别人。)
    July 13

    《围城》杂感

       《围城》一直以来是我比较钟爱的一部小说。其实最初接触这部作品并不是原著,而是电视剧。那时似乎是初中,之前看电视向来是重情节多于对白,不过这部电视的台词包括旁白确实挺吸引我的,诙谐中透着讽刺的味道,虽然当时不能完全理解一些内容,不过倒是记住了片头意味深长的那段话:“城里的人想冲出去,城外的人想冲进来,婚姻也罢,爱情也罢,人生的愿望多半如此……”
        到后来终于还是买了书来看,大概是高考完的那一年暑假吧。第一遍读的感觉是电视剧很忠于原著,如果说书中对人物的刻画是入木三分,那么演员对角色的诠释也可以算是栩栩如生了,以至下意识地把他们在脑海里对号入座,就象现在看到红楼梦里的林黛玉忍不住浮现出陈晓旭的样子来一样。不过我这个人读书有一个毛病,贪快,当时的感觉也就是重温了一下情节,对细节啊,语言啊,都没有仔细理会。进了大学以后,自由支配的时间变多了,静下心来阅读的兴致却似乎在萎缩。现在想想挺后悔的(呵呵,好像人都避不过失去后才知道珍惜的规律,是不是也可以算是围城呢),那么好的资源没有充分利用,以后就彻底告别校园了。还是回到主题吧,“Ctrl+C”,“Ctrl+V”炮制的论文多了,要写点感性的东西还真是费思量,刚写一小段就开始离题。
        就是说大学里充电的文学作品寥寥,更别说对某本书有读第二遍的热情了。不过对《围城》还难得地保留着再读的兴趣,当然对于已经知道了结局的书而言,重复阅读的兴趣更多地转移到了作者的文笔上。每次放假在家无所事事时,拿出来翻看一下,整体的从头至尾,渐渐到现在睡前随便翻开一页,都可以津津有味地看下去,也算以实际行动实践了一回好书不厌百回读吧。在不同的时期和心境下读的确能有不同的体会和感悟,而且总会看到一些以前忽略的精妙的语句,每每此时,不禁回头重扫那几行文字,带着“于我心有戚戚焉”的惊喜。
        其实一开始提到的那段点题的话并不是书中的原句,书中类似的语句出现在赵辛楣宴请苏文纨和方鸿渐,存心要方出丑的那一场,席间谈到离婚的话题,褚慎明提到一句英国古话,说结婚仿佛金漆的鸟笼,笼子外面的鸟想住进去,笼内的鸟想飞出来;所以结而离,离而结,没有了局。苏文纨紧接着说“法国也有这么一句话,不过,不说是鸟笼,说是被围困的城堡,城外的人想冲进去,城里的人想逃出来”。然而引申出去也未尝不可,意义更为深远,想想人生,从在象牙塔内,到踏入社会,涉足职场,再到恋爱婚姻,真的莫不存在着理想与现实的碰撞,城那一头的风景似乎永远更胜一筹。
        昨晚看到了方鸿渐一行去三闾大学途中的一段,注意到了这样一句话:也许女孩子第一次有男朋友的心境也像白开水冲了红酒,说不上爱情,只是一种温淡的兴奋。不知道为什么,忽然心里有了一点小小的触动,是这样吗?也许,有些问题自己都给不了答案,也只有藏在心里变成秘密了。
        说到围城里面的爱情,能称得上是爱情的可能就是方鸿渐对唐晓芙的那一段了。也许还要加上赵辛楣对苏文纨,引用方鸿渐的话“谁像你肯在苏小姐身上花二十年的工夫”,并且到了三闾大学后,对汪太太的失态也是由于他觉得其身上有苏的影子,可见对她还是念念不忘的。唐晓芙显然是作者偏爱的人物,也是全书唯一没有笔墨讽刺的人物,不愿意把她嫁给方鸿渐。其实,就像钱钟书的夫人杨绛所说,作者如果让他们成为眷属,由眷属再吵架闹翻,那么,结婚如身陷围城的意义也许就阐发得更透彻了。也许作者以这样的方式保留了一丝爱情童话的希望吧。方鸿渐失恋后,说赵辛楣如果娶了苏小姐也不过尔尔,又说结婚后会发现娶的总不是意中人。这些话或许都是现实而有理的,可是方究竟没有娶到意中人,他那些话也就可释为聊以自慰的话,否则真教人对爱情和婚姻太绝望了。不过话说回来,小说毕竟是小说,围城效应不假,关乎你怎么调和了,钱钟书本人和杨绛的婚姻就是一段完美的佳话,可视为城内同样有美好风景的最好注脚。
        记得这学期在宿舍里大家讨论过《围城》中的女性,如果是高中时候的自己,或许会首推唐晓芙,不矫柔造作,保留着清纯率真,不沾染一丝让人生厌的习气。不过到了读研的阶段,心态和经历都有了变化,觉得那样似乎没有缺点的女孩过于理想化,离现实太遥远,反而消隐了让人印象深刻的个性,就象金庸迷们喜欢小龙女的并不多,过于超然世外了。室友们果然没有说欣赏唐晓芙的,相反倒有人喜欢苏文纨,大家闺秀,才貌双全,也想不明白为何她会舍青梅竹马对她一心一意的赵辛楣而爱上各方面条件都相对逊色的方鸿渐。呵呵,当时我就在想是不是李媛媛在剧中的形象也助升了苏的人气呢,其实书中的苏文纨给我的印象并不好,可以这么说,极具忌妒心而且虚伪,从开始到最终,她对方的感情我觉得与其说是爱情,不如说是无法征服驾驭的虚荣心在作祟,得不到的总是最好的,她最得意的是看方和赵为她争风吃醋,并且书中后来几人重聚的时候还特意对赵说,依然保留着他的信件,对赵的态度也大胜于前,与对方鸿渐的冷嘲热讽形成鲜明对比。也许在她看来,最受用的是赵就应该一如既往地痴心等候,自己还是照例高贵地疏远着,还是孙柔嘉一语道破:她还不知道赵叔叔已经订婚了吧,无怪乎赵感叹“只有女人最了解女人”。其实我不太理解的倒是她在与方决裂后没有选择赵辛楣而匆匆嫁给曹元朗,也许赞美对一个女人总是有效的,无论是外貌还是才华,曹元朗可能就是在诗歌上投其所好吧;又或许这样一个聪明的女人永远喜欢享受高高在上受人仰视的那么一点点优越感,这一点在方和曹身上都可以找到,曹愿意仰慕她,不管怎样,总是脸上有光的事,而赵同样优秀,无法满足她的设想吧。其实说到底,我对小说里的女性都谈不上特别欣赏,不过对孙柔嘉这个人物由最初的否定,不喜欢,到现在渐渐有了新的认识,细细看她的刻画,就发现原来她是生活圈子里最寻常可见的,或许每个人身上或多或少有着她的影子。她受过高等教育,没什么特长,可也不笨;不是美人,可也不丑;没什么兴趣,却有自己的主张。方鸿渐“兴趣很广,毫无心得”;她是毫无兴趣而很有打算。她的天地极小,只局限在围城内外;她所享的自由也有限,能从城外挤入城里,又从城里挤出城外。她最大的成功是嫁了一个方鸿渐,最大的失败也是嫁了一个方鸿渐。可以说她具有典型性。她对方应该是有感情的,虽然不至于象方一次的气话“千方百计嫁给我”,但看得出来,她在一步步掌握着通向围城的方向,方虽然对她并无爱情,到最后被传言说得心里生了根,模糊了感觉,已做不到舍弃。联想到现实中,这样由谣言开始的故事同样存在,呵呵,可怕的舆论和暧昧。他们在结婚
    后并非没有快乐的时光,只是在家庭,工作等一系列外因压力下,在婚前都没有暴露出的内因下,争吵逐步升级,最后不免还是走向离婚的结局。因此对孙柔嘉这个人物,现在觉得既有可憎之处,也有可爱,可叹和可悲之处,毕竟在婚姻这座围城里面,她经营失败了,失去的比得到的更多。
        看《围城》,我更多的是抱着轻松而非沉重的心情,透过那些看似轻描淡写的叙述,得出自己的注释和启示。曾经看到一句话觉得很有道理,也许“围城”的真正涵义是要懂得珍惜,不管城里城外,如果看到的是自己已经拥有的而不是自己还没有的,总会好过一些吧。是的,好好珍惜当下的生活,恋爱也罢,学业也罢,快乐幸福的感觉大多源于珍惜……